Yesterday we went to Walmart where you spent you birthday giftcard and money. You bought a devil costume. You said it’s “Not for Halloween, just for when I want to be a devil at home.” You also bought a Katy Perry wig and bubblegum, both the same shade of pink.
Whatchu know bout catchin’ butterflies?
Last night we finally got to meet Sam and Vail! They stayed with us on their way through to Colorado. We took lake swims in the rain, drank boba teas, and ate pizza while watching Pee Wee. We’re lucky to live in an age and time where we can become connected with amazing people who we would have otherwise never met. Hopefully we’ll get together with them again soon. I’m thinking maybe a Disneyland trip is in our future.
On the evening of your birthday, after Cody left and before our friends came over, that we were alone. At 7:18 each year, the minute of your birthday, we take a photo together and listen to Blackbird by The Beatles. You already know that that’s the song you were born to, I’ve told you that story a thousand times in all the different ways I can think of. This year we slow danced. I cried, of course. I can’t believe the universe has offered me one second with you, let alone six years. I lucked out, kiddo. Glad to have you here, that’s all.
On your actual birthday we kept it pretty low-key. We got a plain cheesecake and decorated it with M&Ms, invited over a few of your closest friends and their mamas, let you all eat junk food, watch Pee Wee Herman, and play inside and out until you passed out. I’d say your first real slumber party was a total success.
A couple weeks ago you got a package in the mail from Jessie. I don’t think you’ve ever been more excited to open one. You and Nacho were instant friends. I also hired her to draw the Oklahoma Octopus that’s rumored to live in the lake that we frequent.
*Disclaimer* I’m not getting paid to promote her, and I don’t have an agenda. I just love and respect Jessie so much as an artist and human. Everybody should check out Hungry Monsters or get ahold of her if you have any creative gifts in mind. She’s worked on a lot of different projects with me and I can’t sing her praises loudly enough. Giving personal gifts that matter for longer than fleeting trends is a thing you won’t regret.
Six years. That’s how long I’ve known you. I remember staring at the apples hanging above your bassinet in the weeks before you got here. I’d wonder about the dreams you’d have under them, the things you’d think about as you watched them spin from the gentle wind of the ceiling fan.
I remember when they put you on my chest. I thought it would be different. I envisioned myself soaking in your face for the first time, full of wonder and amazement. I imagined meeting you. It wasn’t like that. I don’t feel like I ever met you, because I feel like I somehow always knew you. When I saw your face it was more like, of course. It’s you. My eyes brimming and my heart filled all the way up, I looked at your dad who was also crying and I said, “I love her.”
But it didn’t feel the way I thought it would. It didn’t feel like new love. It felt like preexisting love, old and nurtured love that was there inside me all along. It’s like all those hours, days even, I spent touching my stomach wondering what you’d look like immediately felt silly and ignorant. It made sense to me when you were born, it fell together. There was nobody else you could be. It was always you. I never had to get acquainted with you. Your presence brought a sense of peace. I think that’s why I have such a hard time when you go to your dad’s house. Through everything, you’ve been my only constant in the last six years. Cradle to grave type stuff.
There are consistencies that I don’t find in other places in my life like your contagious, from the depth of your being, laugh to the way your eyes move under your eyelids when you sleep. I find comfort in the constant humming when you’re cleaning or concentrating on something, my hummingbird. I find pride in your compassion and nurturing spirit, especially when other people notice. Lately you’ve been getting recognition at school for it. None of it surprises me, because I know you. I’ve known you. I feel all of it in my bones. My bones knew you first.
The first twenty years of my life I was just waiting around for the day my life would include your life. Six years seems wrong. There’s no way it’s only been that long. I’ve known you much longer. You were always here, all that time.
Happy happy six years on earth to my one and only. I’ll never get over the fact that you happened to me. I’m the very luckiest, I hope that you know that’s not lost on me, not for a second. I’m lucky to have, to have always had, you and to have the opportunity to share my life and experiences with someone as authentic and full of light as you are. I’ve said before that no words will ever be able to do my love for you justice. But that will not stop me from trying every single one, every single combination until you at least get the idea. Just more than you know. Way way more than you know.
Here are some more photos from the trip in general. I think seeing all of these people filled your heart all the way up and left you on a really good note to come back and start school. For that, and many other things, I’m grateful for all our family and friends at home.
two more photos of you with kyleah and camdyn chasing bubbles at your party
maximum joy capacity
We decided to celebrate your sixth birthday a couple weeks early because we took a trip home for a wedding and you wanted to have a party with your cousins. You’d decided on a garden theme at Grandma’s house. We threw the whole thing together last minute, and everyone really pulled through for you. If Grandma taught me anything , it’s that it doesn’t take a lot of money to make a good birthday, just thoughtful planning. Our friend Kalie made you that flower crown on a moment’s notice. We found the absolute perfect dress at Pippy Lou and they worked with us so well and got it shipped to Grandma and Grandpa’s on time. Grandma agreed to make the tie-dye cake you wanted and you decorated it. It was kind of crazy looking, but you were so proud of yourself so I was happy with that.
Grandma and I made up a game. You insisted on having silly string. So we got some green crate paper and made the kids wear some and play as weeds. They had to run around the yard away from the adults with silly string or “weed killers” If caught, they had to freeze. They couldn’t unfreeze until the adult with a spray bottle and around and misted them with it. Then you played with the bubble machine, which was a huge hit. You helped make bouquets from the flowers in grandma’s gardens and set them out on the table. You wanted gold balloons. I got 6 of them with different colored ribbons and we tied them to golf tees and put them around the yard so they looked like they were blooming out of it.
You also planted some seedballz in the butterfly garden and drew flowers with your cousins on the patio with sparkle chalk. There were chocolate cupcakes in flower holders with sour gummy worms on top and mini cupcakes with butterfly sprinkles. The weather was perfect to grill out and I really think you had more fun than at any other birthday yet. You’re always at your peak amount of hyperactivity and joy when in the company of your cousins.
All week Grandma told you about the “birthday fairies” which came after dark and granted your birthday wish. The party was in the evening went on until dark. By the time you were blowing you candles out. About 15 minutes later you came running up to me, screaming. ‘I GOT MY WISH. I GOT MY WISH. I WISHED FOR PIXIE DUST AND THEY LISTENED.” You found it glowing in the bushes. I guess Grandma was right after all.
This week you are a Kindergartener. I can’t believe it. The morning before you left I gave you a card with a little fox and all his school gear on the front. I will just copy what I read aloud to you from the card here.
To my Little Fox on her very first day of school:
I love you tons and I am so proud of you already. I know you’re going to take that great big beautiful brain of yours and use it to do wonderful and extraordinary things in this world and in your academic career. I’m completely honored to be able to watch you grown and learn and have the opportunity to see you grow into yourself and change the world.
Absolutely all of my love, forever.
- Momma Fox
You wore a vintage dress that we picked out from an etsy after weeks of scouring the internet for the perfect first day attire. When it came in the mail you were so excited. You loved those socks, called them your Junie B. Jones socks. Ultimately, your outfit isn’t important because I know that you are going to do so well in school. I can’t express my pride.
Scarlet: *gets out of room for 100th time during bedtime* Mom! I really do have to show you something. It looks like poison ivy!
Me: FIIIINE. Let me see.
Scarlet: *brings in a red headed lego woman with the body of a green swamp thing*
Me: God, Scar. I thought you had a rash or something. Go to bed!
Yesterday we went to the lake we frequent. We spent the day discussing the killer freshwater octopus that’s rumored to lurk in the waters, the two fishing bobbers that hang in the tree like ornaments, and what would happen if we just stayed out there floating for the rest of time. I think I could live like that, just floating with you forever… singing fall out boy and screaming at boats, laughing and chasing each other around. That could be my entire life, but honestly I’m just so happy that it gets to be a little part of it.
Last night we said goodbye to Sabrie. Today she starting driving across the country. It just means that we’ll have to take an East Coast trip sometime. We are definitely going to miss her. Just last year the three us were sharing a single bedroom for the summer while we waited for our lease to begin. I’m very happy that you get to have a driven and motivated role model like Sabe in your life. It’s going to be weird around here without her.
Here’s a picture of you and your BFF Reggie last night. I can’t believe how much both of you have grown. She was one of your very first Oklahoma friends. You’re growing into little girls. No more toddler left to see here.